In Florida, the headlines never disappoint, and Patrick Florence’s arrest took things to a new level when a search of his schlong went very wrong.

It all started when police pulled over a car at 4 a.m. for driving without headlights. That could’ve been a simple “warning and continue on your merry way.” But no—the driver was busted for DUI and weed possession. As for Florence, sitting innocently in the passenger seat, his night was just getting started.

See, Police now had enough evidence for a full car search. Then they found a certain white powder in the center console. So they kept searching and found a .38-caliber handgun and ammunition under Florence’s seat.

And that made things very complicated for Florence. Now it was his turn for a search. And Florence had two plastic baggies of hard drugs wound around his willy. When questioned, Florence—dead serious—claimed they weren’t his.

Deputy Levi Blake noted in the official report that Florence “stated the package wrapped around his penis was not his.” But that package in his package was just the beginning.

According to Patch.com, Florence casually told officers that he had more than 80 felony convictions. With over 20 drug-related arrests under his belt, you’d think Florence would know when to call it quits. But no—he grinned through his mugshot as if having junk taped to his junk was just another Saturday.

Facing four new felonies, including possession of a firearm by a convicted felon and drug possession, Florence might be in deeper trouble than his smile suggests.

So, the next time someone says Florida Man can’t get any crazier, just remind them of Patrick Florence—the guy who stashed some hard drugs, a gun, and a whole lot of trouble in places we’d rather not think about.

Hear Stephen Colbert’s take on this story in the video below: