When I was a teenager and not yet licensed, my grandma would pick me and my sisters up from two different schools when the afternoon bell rang. She would have been in her seventies then; as such, she was technically an “elderly driver” (my, how the term bridges closer to “begrudgingly offensive” as I age myself). We knew she had “small” mental lapses, like remembering what grade we were in. After all, she had 15 grandchildren who constantly grew and changed, so of course, we gave her grace. One day outside the high school, though, from her Toyota Camry’s backseat, I exclaimed, “Grandma, no – this is a one-way street!”

We drove the same way every day. This time, however, she confused the route and turned down a single-lane road…to immediately face a line of oncoming cars moving toward us.

Some difficult but quick-fire family conversations resulted: Not only would Grandma no longer be picking us up from school, but she would no longer be driving, period. Thankfully, my grandfather, a highly intelligent retired electrical engineer, had his wits about him and dedicatedly drove her everywhere they needed to go as her dementia sadly progressed. She didn’t seem to mind the change at all, either.

While this situation seems straightforward, the family surely wondered how many times Grandma narrowly avoided disaster before her extended family observed the decline in her driving skills first-hand.

According to the NHTSA, most people over 65 naturally modify their driving habits as they age.

This can include avoiding night driving or trips in busy, heavy-traffic areas, for instance.

The association also says that while driving skills vary by person and are not directly related to age, many people wait until elderly drivers display dangerous behaviors before talking to them about their goals and wishes. As such, the conversations may quickly charge up, triggering emotionally defensive responses.

The NHTSA encourages families and friends to share responsibility on these matters: “These conversations don’t happen often enough, and when they do, the older person fears – sometimes accurately – that someone is trying to take the car keys away. Unfortunately, discussions about continuing to drive often begin too late. And very often, families are asking the wrong questions.”

So, here’s what you can do to ensure smooth, healthy conversations with an elderly driver:

• Ask the “right” questions
• With special care, talk to the driver
• Help create a sensible, doable plan
• Follow-through on the plan

The NHTSA says that asking the right questions – including involving the appropriate people in information gathering – is key.

Has the driver expressed concerns about their own driving? Do they often mention having trouble navigating to their destination? If you’ve ridden in their car, how smooth and safe was the trip?

If you have the opportunity to get in the car with the elderly driver yourself, the NHTSA recommends you check that they are doing the following:

• Staying alert and engaged: they observe all traffic signals and signs, looking both ways and using their mirrors as necessary
• Properly handling the presence of other vehicles and pedestrians
• Maintaining their lane when driving straight and turning
• Safely changing lanes, turning, and merging

Also, make sure that they are not:

• Slowing or stopping illogically, like at green lights or in the middle of intersections
• Driving too fast or slow based on the posted speed limit
• Driving aggressively (making sudden, erratic movements that could endanger themselves or others)
• Getting lost in areas they should be familiar with
• Grappling with mobility issues (having trouble seeing, turning their head, moving their arms, engaging with the pedals and vehicle controls, etc.)

The NHTSA‘s page on understanding elderly drivers provides a number of resources to help more formally evaluate and determine an older driver’s status.

After determining the older person’s fitness for driving, you’ll need to explore options.

Typically, this includes deciding whether to:

• Do nothing (they’re good to keep driving per usual habits)
• Help modify their driving schedule (stop driving at night, for instance)
• Help arrange for alternative plans and transportation

The NHTSA says that families and friends who help modify driving schedules might need to prepare for their own lifestyle changes associated with the action plan.

Consider everywhere the elderly driver may want to go: self-care appointments, social and religious activities, and so on. Will you, family, or friends start driving them where they need to go? Will the (perhaps soon-to-be-former) driver be able to arrange their own transportation, or will they need administrative assistance?

Next, it’s time to have a talk.

Always keep in mind that the goal is to preserve freedom, independence, quality of life, and safety.

Avoid confrontational statements. It might feel uncomfortable, but opening up about the observed challenges with driving could be best. Kindly and with care, talk about what you’ve noticed. Use “I” statements, not “You” sentences, which might come off as accusatory. Let them know you understand what a driver’s license means to folks, and assure them that they must still run their errands and move about the community as they’d like to. You might mention the thousands of other local drivers who also regularly modify their driving schedules.

This is where building out the action plan and committing your time and attention to the driver’s stated goals comes in. For example, maybe an activity or event that’s usually hosted at a friend’s house can move to their place once in a while.

Together, you might create a schedule and determine holes and gaps that you, a friend, a family member, or a local service might be able to fill. For instance, perhaps they can have their groceries delivered instead of navigating a busy store parking lot.

Otherwise, they might need more formal transportation to doctor appointments, religious events, and social commitments. Area Agencies on Aging have an Eldercare Locator just for these needs and more.

It’s important to determine who will stay engaged with an elderly driver’s status. Things change over time, including skills and available sources.