What do you call someone who racks up 150 parking and traffic tickets, gets their license suspended six times, and then casually scrapes a Tesla and walks away like nothing happened? If your answer is “Portland’s next mayor,” well, you’re not far off. Enter Carmen Rubio—current Portland City Commissioner and, believe it or not, mayoral hopeful.

Portland, Oregon, is one of the most distinct cities in the U.S., and one of my favorites. It’s relatively easy to make fun of the town’s unique culture, as you can see in shows like Fred Armisen’s Portlandia. But on most days it doesn’t feel fair to make fun of a group of folks who love their city and are living their best life. But today? Today isn’t one of those days. And I’d say Carmen Rubio isn’t most Portlanders.

Let’s be real. It’s one thing to forget to feed the meter now and then or coast through a yellow light, but 150 tickets? That’s like going pro at amateur driving. Rubio has more parking and traffic citations than most of us have unread emails. Her latest (and let’s be honest, probably not final) stunt: according to The Oregonian, she dinged a 2022 Tesla in a Clackamas County parking lot, glanced at the damage, shrugged it off, and went on her merry way. Yep, the same Carmen Rubio who wants to be mayor is now on camera pulling a hit-and-run. Classic.

Rubio’s driving rap sheet is truly something to behold. The woman has had her license suspended six times. And while other politicians might quietly retire after something like this, Rubio’s basically like, “You know what? Let’s run for mayor!” It’s almost as if she’s auditioning for a role in a new Portlandia sketch about reckless city leaders. Maybe they could call it “Fast and Furious: Portland Drift.”

The cherry on top? Rubio’s excuse for the hit-and-run was pure gold. After being caught on video walking away from the scene, she told the Tesla owner that she didn’t think there was any damage. I mean, we’ve all been flustered before, but most of us don’t accidentally ding luxury cars and then stroll away like we’ve got better things to do. Rubio later blamed the whole thing on election stress, saying, “I can’t tell you how humiliated I am… I feel worthless right now.” Well, Carmen, you’re not worthless—at least you might win Portland’s most reckless driver.

To be fair, Rubio has apologized, publicly admitting she’s “human” and that she “makes mistakes.” But here’s the kicker—The Street Trust, a transportation safety group that initially endorsed her, pulled their support after the Tesla incident. That’s right, the lady who’s supposed to be advocating for road safety can’t even park without causing chaos. They said her actions “fly in the face” of their values, and yeah, it’s hard to argue with that when you’ve seen the footage.

But hey, who knows? Maybe Portland’s next mayor will be the first to get an endorsement from AAA for keeping their tow truck drivers busy. Until then, if you see a Nissan Murano with Oregon plates coming your way, you might want to steer clear.